Bukan Nota Dinas

by Ash Beige Baby (Best read while listening to “Midnight” by Coldplay.) No one fits the role of villain. Perhaps that is why this story has never found a title. and I have never doubted that I am loved. There is someone who would become a wall before the rain could ever reach me. Only sometimes, I forget what it feels like to walk when every step is feared for before I have even taken it. And I truly want to understand. Perhaps loving someone the world keeps noticing is its own kind of exhaustion. Perhaps fear, when it has nowhere else to go, learns to disguise itself as care. There are days when I'm in certain look not so the world will glare at me, just so I can still recognize the woman  that quietly growing behind the mirror. There are days when I tell a story, and what is noticed first is not what I have said, but who listened instead who lingered, who cared. I'm begging Look at me before you look at the shadows around me. Notice me before you begin counting the eyes that...

  by Ash Beige Baby Lo pernah ngga sih, ngerasa lo jadi orang yang beda di setiap tempat? Kayak… di satu circle lo jadi versi yang ini, di tempat lain lo jadi versi yang lain lagi, dan anehnya… semuanya terasa “lo” tapi, bukan juga Gue ngalamin itu setahun terakhir. Dan jujur, capek banget. Karena setiap hari gue harus “jadi sesuatu”, Sampai di satu titik gue mulai nanya ke diri gue sendiri: Gue ini sebenarnya apa? ..atau siapa, sih? Am I even… real? Rasanya kaya gue terlalu bisa menyesuaikan diri  sampai akhirnya kehilangan bentuk asli  Terus di tengah kekacauan itu, gue ketemu satu “tempat”. Atau mungkin… satu orang  Yang bikin gue ngerasa, “oh… ini gue.” Ngga perlu adjust  dan mikir harus jadi siapa. Ngga perlu takut di judge juga Dan jujur  rasanya kayak nemu pulau yang nyaman ditengah badai lautan Padahal tujuan gue dermaga dan daratan pulau Jawa Sementara itu pulau berkeliaran serial killer  Tahu bagian paling bahayanya? Waktu lo lagi lost banget...

by Ash Beige Baby Tanpa dentuman sesuatu di dalam diriku berubah wujud Seperti kapur barus yang dibiarkan terlalu lama Dikira bisa bertahan lama di suhu yang tidak sama Memang, sih awalnya tidak terasa seperti perubahan masih saling sapa dan berbagi cerita sederhana, masih berjalan di rutinitas yang pernah terbentuk bersama Tapi rasa Kadang masih mencoba memahami maksud abstrak masih suka memberi ruang pada ribu alasan yang kupaksa yakini masuk akal Tidak sengaja katanya, bukan begitu maksudnya Terlalu sering memaklumi hal yang sebenarnya menyakitkan itu bukannya terbiasa malah justru mati rasa Dan ketika tiba saatnya, bukan mati dengan rintihan malah hilang diam-diam Dibawa pergi kawanan harapan yang bilang suatu hari aku akan benar-benar dimengerti dan dihargai Tapi aneh, yang berulang salah pahamnya beda waktu dan tempatnya Bungkus yang robek tergeletak di ruang tamu sepuluh hari di kamar tidur tiga hari di lemari lima hari di garasi dua hari Dipikir seperti baru kemarin dibeli, tap...

by Ash Beige Baby (This thought has been haunting me these days But It's okay now, Thanks to my friend too.) Somewhere out there, I sense a soft smirk, a careless posture The kind that finds pain entertaining, as long as it belongs to someone else. I receive the signal. They thought cracks meant collapse. Never have they ever asked what pressure does to stone? Nature never shapes gently. Even mountains are not born, they are forced. I believe every hard path my body walks now recently is not punishment. It is calibration. And I am not sorry that I am not breaking. I'll probably just let the wind laugh, right before it turns sand into glass. I remember when I was nineteen. Back then, a cowardly crowd, loud, small, trash senior envious kept shouting my sister’s name through school hallways for one unforgivable crime: being visible, being pretty, being admired. Then the awful came not long after, a severe car crash. Bones fractured, weeks in intensive care A body of little 15 year...

by Ash Beige Baby Aku ngga benci kalian Habis-habiskan energi aja Seperti peduli tapi beda quadran Cinta Benci garis tipis,  kan   Sekarang aku di basis Sampai Koordinat nol koma nol Tingkah laku mereka bukan beban Eksistensi mereka ngga memberatkan Keabsenan mereka juga bukan syukuran Ini  bukan benci yang berisik Cuma  mati rasa yang tenang .   Melesat jatuh jungkir balik dapat lotre tembak-tembakan Selama ngga ngaruh ke hidupku  kalian bukan siapa-siapa buatku  

​ by: Ash Beige Baby I just had an encounter with… something. Or someone. I am still not sure. But it shook me awake. It snapped me out of a fragile version of myself I once believed was permanent. This is the first time I share this in public (if it can even be called a secret). So I was in the middle of what people politely call a quarter-life crisis, that quiet season where we feel misplaced in every room, trash, belongs to nowhere, attached to no one. I felt like I had to fake my personality just to exist, and even build temporary shelters out of strangers with small talk, pretending they were homes. I'm a fool. Then I was exposed to an idea. A simple one. The kind we think we understand until it reaches our life and refuses to stay theoretical. It sounded easy, almost gentle. But when it dragged me into reality, it became something else entirely.. a wicked, beautiful bittersweet. Anyway, I wrote this while sitting by the lakeside with a glass of strong matcha latte in my hands...